At Worst, My Best

Hmmmmm, Sagat

What you wish for

So.

Melbourne.

Here I am. Staying in Brian's spare room.

What the fuck am I doing? It's true that seven years ago I would've killed to be in this position. Now it's just confirming for me that this is not anywhere near what I want. And nor is Brian.

On the brightside it's good to finally be sure. Brian may physically be a dream but he's not the man for me.

Needle in a haystack

How difficult in this day and age is it to find information about music?

Fucking hard!

A song: Raining In My Heart.

Composer: T. Yarad/S. McNally/K. Hill

Publisher: Possum Music

toni Pearen did a cover of it on her 'Intimate' album in 1994, but it had previously been released in or around 1989-90, I taped it off 2DayFM way back when I think I found it in a secondhand record store but the salesperson couldn't find the disc so I wasn't able to buy it. The band was 'I Say Yes' - on this particular disc anyway.

Can I find info on them?

Of course not.

One 'hit' wonders maybe (or not even).

But it's a great song and fucking want it on disc/mp3! The original that is - I have Toni's version and it is kind of a poor second.

Hell I can't even find info on the New Zealand singer Gian and her song Wait from the late 80's.

Recollections

It was January 1992

I was on holdiays with my family in Queensland, doing the whole Surfer's Paradise thing... it was actually the last holiday I ever went on with my family as a whole.

One day stands out amongst all my memories. I don't know what day it was, or the actual date. I remember that it was morning, probably between 10 and 12. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and the beach (Broad Beach?????) was packed.

I remember silly things like hot muscular guys laying in the sun with girlfriends who, while tanning their backs, would pull their speedos up the crack of the arse like a g-string but who, when the stood up to go to the water would pull themback outto cover their butts.

But most of all I remember seeing perfection.

A guy, maybe early to mid twenties came to the beach and positioned himself right next to where my parents and the family friends we were with, had set up our towels and beach umbrellas.

I have never since seen a man who looked like he just stepped off the front cover of Men's Exercise. He was magnificent.

Every part of his body was chisled perfection. He had black wavy hair, and a square jaw, his body was beautifully smooth and his skin lightly tanned and - from what I could tell (and believe me I could not take my eyes off him!) - blemish free and he stripped down to a pair of red speedos.

He lay himself on a beach towel and was in position on his side in such a way that he was facing the water but also me, I was only facing him and I just didn't care if anyone noticed me staring at him, I really couldn't take my eyes off him.

The thing is, he had on these big black sunglasses so while his face was turned - seemingly - in my direction I don't know if he had noticed me looking at him or not. He certainly never got any expression on his face to make me think he'd noticed one way or the other - no smirkig or sneering - nothing.

And it seemed like no-one else had noticed him. For all my obliviousness and lack of caring there was a small part of me that was concerned about being 'outed' (at least, outed officially) but no-one commented on my staring and my sister and her friend didn't notice me or him.

I have no idea if he was a tourist or a local, although I do believe I saw him in North Sydney nearly 12 months later, he was dressed as a courier and when he saw me he stopped in his tracks (he had on the same sunglasses) and stared... but I was with a mate and I couldn't stop, nor did I want to explain because - you know - it sounds kinda crazy and coincidental. But I just knew it was him.

There is a corner of my mind where he's kept, sometimes I pull him out to look at and think about 'might have beens'... I still hope I'll run into him for a third time and that third time will be a charm, but it was so long ago now even thought it seems like yesterday.

Now That I've Found You

I've been searching (for so long)

For the love I need, feel this need in me

I've been waiting (for so long)

Who holds the key, set my feelings free

I'm in luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv. (And that's a relative use of the word).

It was bound to happen given my prediliction in checking out rentboys... if only I actually had the 'guts' to hire more of them.

But now I've found Kane.

O.M.G. Kane is HOT! I don't know what it is - although he is undeniably good looking - he's certainly not the sort I'd usually go gaga over. He's younger for a start and and he's no buff gym god of the type I plaster on my blog (nor am I but that's besides the point).

You're all I'm looking for (all I'm looking for)

You're everything I've been dreaming of

Who could ask for more, more than your love?

No I haven't booked time with him. Truth be told I find such pairings to be rather awkward.... given my actual lack of consistent sexual experience I usually worry that I'm not doing 'something' right (should I actually care about that if I'm paying them? Helloooooooo performance anxiety) and ultimately I'd prefer to be there with him because he wants me rather than because I've paid him, but that's the romantic in me.

Now that I found you,

I don't need no other to be my lover

Now that I found you,

I don't want another to be my lover

I'm almost sure I had text for here but I typed this up on an email and didn't fucking save it and then something weird happened with the cut and paste.

And I wonder (for so long)

If I feel to you like those others do

I've been thinking (for too long)

Can it come from you, a love that's true?

You're all I'm looking for (all I'm looking for)

You're everything I've been dreaming of

Who could ask for more, more than your love?

I'm guessing he's a New Zealander (with some Italian in him apparently) although his accent isn't particularly strong. And he's sooooooooo blokey. I love the 82Cast where he's welcoming his niece into the world and tells her to run up to her dad and say .... something .... to him. It's so funny.....am I gushing?

And I haven't even met the man.

We can make it to the end (end)
Let me hold ya and adore ya
You're the one the angels sent (sent)

Let me love ya, you're my rainbow's end

I am hopeless.

Tuesday Beauties

Inconsistancies

First I say I'm back then I disappear.

Sigh.

Wel I am stil here, and slowly I shall make amends.... to any who feel amends need making.

Am still losing weight? Alass it seems that that has ground to a halt. The counter is being reset and we are restarting.

I've been talking to Brian alot more lately. Brian has just broken up with his boyfriend of 18 months(????) And living in Melbourne now, with seeming few 'friends' outside of work colleagues he is somewhat lonely - which I truthfully think is why he's paying me attention, rather than me being of value as a friend to him - but I am open to the possibility that I do him an injustice. In anycase we have been talking alot.

I'd be lying to say I hadn't thought about 'what if now is the time'... given the strength of my feelings for this man way back when the 'might have been' and 'could be' still raises it's head, especially when I speak to him. He is very charming... to some. Others find him slimy. For good or bad I find him the former. And he weilds his charm like a lasso.

He has asked when am I going down to Melbourne to visit? He has a spare room.

Dare I actually go? Can I actually go and NOT fall back into the trap of hope,wishing and praying that this time the magic will happen and he'll finally see the light (and me)?

It stands me in good stead that in current conversionations with him I have found some of his opinions to be unattractive, and not the sort of thing I'd wish for in a partner.

But is it enough to dispell his charm?... do I care?

Weigh In: Week #03

Last week : 112.4 kg

This week : 113.5 kg

Disaster.

Oh well, looks like I am going to have to get my a@# into gear and actually start doing some exercise AS WELL as really watch what I eat.

*Sigh.

Why can't I just be thin.

Although if anything will motivate me it's the constant 'rejection' from the guys I think are hot (to look at anyway). For example, Stephen (seen below) graciously allowed me to become a 'facebook friend' and has recently added 'private photo's' to his page. He has to allow you access to see these and of the last 2 days his 'newsfeed' page has been filled with 'Stephen has allowed __________ access to his private photo's'. Now - apart from being way to short for my liking Stephen has a body to die for and I'd loooooooooove to see his 'private pics' so I requested access.